Sniffing: should be made illegal

Arghhhh. I’m going to explode!

My boss sneezed about 10 minutes ago and has been sniffing constantly ever since. It’s an irregular sniff. I keep waiting for it to come and then it doesn’t and then the moment I think the sniffing episode has been concluded, there it is again. No one else seems at all bothered by it.

My gut instinct is that I need to sprint (not run, sprint) to the bathroom, grab an enormous wodge of tissue paper and thrust it under her nose and then give her strict instructions to blow all of the snot out in one blast to stop this infernal sniffing drip torture.

The guy who sits next to me as adding to the cacophony. He has a large, animal-like beard and has his hand permanently attached to it. He keeps stroking it, slowly, thoughtfully, so that it makes an awful scratching sound, like a zombie pulling dry skin and gristle off a corpse.

Today’s orchestra is completed by my other boss putting on some really intense and really rubbish futuristic disco music on the iPod speakers.

I should point out that I’m not have a misophonic reaction to this, it’s just bad, stressful music.

It goes “dunk, dunk, dunk” then a pause “dunk, dunk, dunk”. Then there are some strangely sinister synths and then the “dunk, dunk, dunk” continues. This overzealous music combined with the sniffing and the zombie beard scratching is making me feel like I want to scream.

I need to put noise cancelling headphones on, wear an eye mask and move to Papua New Guinea.