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today in class I was having a miniature panic attack because someone in my group decided to pull out a napkin full of cookies and start to subtly eat them. while other people are just carrying on about their lives, I’m sitting next to this nitwit trying not to go off crying in the middle of nowhere trying to keep my head on my shoulders. it was internally KILLING ME. and the worst thing is, is that it was my boyfriend. lord, Jesus. I didn’t tell him that I have misophonia, mostly because I don’t think he will understand and just be like, “well um, ok. that’s fine” and not want to ask me anything about it because he probably won’t know how to address it properly. but oh my gosh it was horrible. picking at the damned cookies and popping them into his mouth. my gosh. just thinking about it made me wanna start bawling my eyes out. like, what am I supposed to say to him though? he really wouldn’t understand. and i could definitely imagine myself sounding like a total lunatic in front of him trying to explain that certain sounds and motions make me want to claw at my own face and run out of the room covering my ears and crying. and during that, the fire alarm goes off. mind you that I sit next to the alarm sounder. it was horrid. imagine that horrendous sound right next to your ear and then you have to act “normal” and try not to plug your eyes and start humming VERY loudly to keep the sound out. and then when I start to calm down a little, my best friend walks up to me and messes with me as usual, but today she didn’t fucking know what the fuck stop meant. like, what the fuck are you trying to accomplish by torturing me with the teasing of pretending to hit me in a very fast motion? I fucking hate that shit. to explain it a little bit further, she would whip her hand into my face, acting like she is trying to hit me. and when I tell her to stop she does it at least two more fucking times. I hate to call her this but, what an asshole. then, when I’m at home trying to push out all of what happened, my sister goes to the restroom and doesn’t turn on the fan before she goes. mind you again that my bedroom is right next to the bloody restroom. my God. likewise, I was saying earlier about the fire alarm, whenever I hear my sister going into the restroom, I automatically plug my fingertips into my ears and start humming loudly to drown out the disgusting sound. some sounds that I have to deal with on a daily like, clicking pens, yelling teachers (holy fucking shit, fuck no) and crumpling paper, those usually make me bend my fingers back (I know it sounds unbearable but that’s the weird way I keep myself from dying internally from the sounds.) or I do some other stuff by hurting myself in the most subtle way. but at home, when my mother yells, I pull my hair out and it doesn’t help that she yells at me even more for pulling my hair out. I actually have a bald spot from all the times I’ve done it. and nowadays, I pull my hair out in that particular spot while doing everyday relaxing things like reading a book or watching tv. its a habit know and I like it but at the same time, I know that I should stop. I wanna say that it is trichotillomania but I don’t know if I am diagnosed with it yet. I’m not sure.
well, this was just a rant. but if you read all of this nonsense, thank you for listening. and please if you can, give me some advice on how to bring up my misophonia to my boyfriend and how to cope differently than the other things that I usually do. thanks again.
