Home Page › Forums › Misophonia Forum › Misophonia Has Complete Control Of My Life [CONTAINS TRIGGERS]
- This topic has 2 replies, 1 voice, and was last updated 4 years ago by CJ.
Thanks in advance for reading this. This is more of a rant/cry out to see if anyone else who is struggling with Misophonia finds it this bad.
My Misophonia condition began when I was about 11 years old. My first trigger sound was chewing and it was just when my mum and dad chewed their food, and my bus driver who chewed gum very loudly. I have distinct memories of my dad eating his bacon and eggs and chewing with a very ‘salivery’ sound. My mum on the other hand is a cruncher and eats with a dry crunch – I’m sure you all probably know what I mean. When the first symptoms began, my mum didn’t believe me. She thought it was the pre-teen attitude and tantrums coming on and told me to get over it. It wasn’t until I was about 13 (and I only found this out recently) when I had a breakdown at the dinner table and cried uncontrollably for an hour and a half that she realised it was an actual issue for me. By that time it was beyond just chewing.
My friends eating had started to become triggers and this affected relationships. My mum typing on her keyboard became a trigger. People talking loud on the phone. People scuffing their feet behind me as they walked/clacked with their shoes behind me. People whistling/humming.
At this point, I thought it couldn’t get any worse…boy was I wrong.
At 15, I couldn’t eat in the same room as my parents or friends. I now believe this was one of the triggers to my eating disorder which began around that age and I believe my eating disorder contributed to making my Misophonia worse. I despised people who ate around me. I wanted to knock the food out of their mouth, I want to scream at them that they should eat quieter and I wanted to scream at them that they were fat and shouldn’t be eating it anyway – even if they weren’t fat at all.
By the time I was 16, I was in my first proper relationship and his chewing sound wasn’t too bad. It wasn’t until we became ‘comfortable’ with each other that I started picking up on his chewing and making comments about it. He was understanding at first but by the end it caused many arguments.
My triggers now included all of the above plus people tapping their fingers, people coughing, someone picking their nails, clipping their nails, drinking water, rustling plastic, biting their nails, people speaking loudly in a foreign language/loud in general. The list goes on. Not only were these sounds a problem…a visual aspect was become a trigger.
Now, all these sounds and their visuals are a trigger for me. I could have my headphones on max volume and even the sight of someone eating, typing on their phone, tapping their foot, repeatedly running their hands through their hair triggers me. I work in a small office and sometimes I have to leave the room to go and ball my eyes out in the bathroom because if I stay in there and someone is eating or typing too loud or clearing their throat often, I will burst and evidently lose my job. Many days, these triggers and outbursts make me contemplate jumping in front of the tube and ending it all – don’t worry, I won’t, but that fact that these things make me even thinking about it drives me insane. I hate living like this. I can’t remember a day NOT living like this. I long to be able to be in a room full of people eating and for it not to bother me at all. I ENVY people that can do that.
Since overcoming my eating disorder – to an extent – I can sometimes get through the chewing noises if I am eating at the same time as the person chewing. But that’s the only way I can get through it…and only on some days. Many a times, I am left glaring at the person making one of the trigger sounds, wanting to tell them to shut up or physically make them shut up. Sometimes I want to upend dinner tables, I want to throw someone’s food out the window etc. etc. etc.
Most of all, I hate that there’s no cure for Misophonia. Why can’t we just take a pill and it all goes away? I wish. I’ve tried white noise, music, copying the sound, listening to podcasts, reading research documents etc. but I haven’t had any luck yet.
Can anyone recommend any relief they’ve found? Let me know if it affects you this badly as well!
Sorry for the rant.
I fully understand everything you said. My mom found out this was a problem for me about 3 years after I knew I had misophonia about 4 after I realized I had a problem. She realized when I refused to talk to her while she was chewing gum and after about 5 minutes of her yelling at me I had what I know now is a panic attack but at that point I didn’t know what one was. I cried for about an hour before finally showing her that I had a real condition. She told my doctor 9 months later and my doctor thought it was ocd or because my sister was in the hospital a lot in the same few months. I feel like I’m on a steep downwards spiral into complete loss of functionality.CJ
I give a shocked look to show that they are being antisocial. When someone’s taking to me whilst eating I say I’ll speak to them when they are finished eating!