I feel your pain so deeply and please know you are never alone (although I think this thing feels just about the loneliest disease on the planet). Do your family know you suffer? Mine only know on the surface but have never take it seriously so when my mood swings and I feel at threat, they just think I’m being unreasonable whilst inside I feel like I’m in hell.
Can I ask what your coping mechanisms are? I’ve had this for as long as I can remember and have never seeked the help I need because of shame and embarrassment. I hope you are coping better today.